Say all the things that you really want to say.

Has life always been as busy as it is today? What is the "right" way to live (is there a "right/wrong"?)? There are so many distractions. So many things to-do. Ballet lessons? Soccer? Piano? Should children be made to take lessons to promote a skill? Is that worthwhile? Or is that busy-ness? Homeschool? Send children to public school? Private school? What is right? Or are there multiple "rights"?? And if I don't homeschool, am I giving up? Giving in? Is it selfish, so I have more time to clean my house and be crafty like everyone else? Where is my focus... what matters to me? Does it matter that I don't feel like I'm a natural teacher? That I don't necessarily enjoy teaching, but I do it because I feel like I should. And I want to enjoy it. Ideally, I think it seems wonderful. Full of joy. But it's not always full of joy for me. It's a struggle sometimes, a hardship. Something I don't really want to do. Sometimes I do, but sometimes I don't... to be honest. But I'm selfish. I really am a selfish person. (it's hard to be a decent human being...right, Dave?) I want to do things that make me happy. That make me feel good. I'm also lazy. Or that's what my innermost being seems to want. If I had a day that I could do what I want, what would I do? I would probably lay in bed and watch Dr. Who. Or something similar. But there's a battle inside of me. Part of me that wants to be lazy and selfish, and part of me who wants to be productive super-mom.

I pretend like I have better values than others or mothers I see not taking care of their kids, but really I don't. At the root of me, I just want to take care of myself and no one else. An independent life. Free from responsibility. I've always valued independence. Alone-liness. Not loneliness, just being alone. I liked it, you know, before having kids.

But that's not my life. My life is full of people and little people. No man (or woman) is an island, so they say. So I have to adjust. I have to fight against my nature, which, as I've said, is lazy and self-centered. And it's not easy, most of the time. And sometimes I don't want to fight, and I'll let laundry and dishes pile up. And I'll feel irritated. And I'll have no patience. But thankfully there's little people who need me to keep fighting against myself, so I do. Or I try to.

But I still don't have all the answers. And most of the time, I really don't know what I'm doing.