b-logisticts

justin started a blog today .
so after he told me of this, we started discussing the whole online journal realm. I used to loooove writing in my [online] journal... in fact, at one time I think I eventually had three. no. four! all for different purposes. most of them are destroyed, some I never visit so I don't know what happened to them. but I loved it. today I still use one (obviously) but I don't enjoy it nearly as much. I think part of the reason I still write is because I think I enjoy it alot, when really I think everything I say has no value (to myself or to anyone else). Before, though still not to anyone else, what I wrote had value to me.

People use these journals for all different purposes. Justin was saying that he thought that he might enjoy this whole blogging thing (even though he used to look down on me somewhat for participating). He feels that it will be a place to share the cool things he finds online-- books, music, websites, pictures and for expressing how he feels on certain subjects (right jut?). I tried to think back to when I wrote in my journal(s) 1+ times every day. What did I enjoy so much about it? I didn't review things. Every now and then I would announce some new song or band that I had found and loved/hated. But I realized that mostly what I enjoyed was using my journal as an outlet. I liked being open with my feelings while at the same time encrypting them just enough so it wasn't too obvious. I could talk about things or people or situations that affected (or effected? no, it's affected. right?) me in some way. I liked writing about the uncertainty in my life. Now writing just feels a little silly. All or most of the uncertainty is gone. I know who I married. I know how many children I have (and hopefully will have). I know what my first house looks like. Regardless, I do enjoy writing about my life. It's comfortable and safe and fun. But for the most part there is no mystery (which is both good and bad I guess). Plus any problems or issues I have are better discussed not so out in the open.

So that is the reason I used to enjoy writing so much, and I know it is different for everyone. And it is the reason I don't enjoy writing as much as I used to. Because I feel that everything I say, everyone already knows. And my deepest feelings I think should be shared with Justin, not the whole world.

Now what is there for me to write about? Now that I've come to the realization that I no longer enjoy writing so much. Could I still enjoy it if I thought of new subject matter? I hope so. Maybe my challenge could be to think of interesting things to say... instead of the challenge of finding ways to disguise the "interesting" things I used to think about.

Sometimes nothing I say seems to make sense anyways... so maybe it doesn't matter what I write in the end.